I really want to talk about how supportive Ryan has been during my weight loss. I've sat down to write it all out several times and I just cannot seem to word it just right. There are not enough words to tell how very amazing he has been.
Before I lost weight, I was one big emotional mess.
I ate every time I was depressed so it's no wonder things got so out of control.
My husband never once told me that I was fat or that he wasn't attracted to me.
He was supportive of whatever I was going through with my weight.
My self esteem and my weight problem were the only things putting a wedge between us.
I pushed him away because I felt so ugly, old, and jiggly.
I loved him so much that I didn't want him to see all the bad parts of me.
I wanted this man to have the girl he fell in love with....
Not the mess I had become...
I didn't want him to see the stretch marks, the jiggling fat, or my C-Section scar.
I was afraid to let him love me because I just knew that he couldn't possibly want the person I had become.
He told me he loved me no matter what size, but I always knew he was lying about that.
I hated me at the time, so how in the world could he still love me?
I've seen so many women heartbroken because they gained weight and their husbands voice how repulsed they are. I was scared that it would happen to me, so I put distance between us. I spent so much time devoted to raising our son that I completely neglected my husband. I was so afraid that every negative thought in my mind was also running through his. I couldn't face that.
I didn't wear make up. I chopped my hair off and didn't fix it. I wore frumpy clothes.
I let everything go.
When I started losing weight, I still struggled with my low self esteem. As I got smaller, I had more energy. Instead of falling asleep early, I spent more time hanging out with Ryan once Caleb went to bed. We got more playful because my health problems weren't as bad. Eventually, we started flirting more and more.
And I realized that Ryan loved me regardless of my size. I was the one that refused to love me at my worst. My weight gain changed the person I am. I'm naturally bubbly and energetic. When I was heavier, I was critical, exhausted, and depressed.
I am so thankful that I stopped the ugly cycle I felt trapped in.
The only regret I have is not doing it so much sooner.
I am free to love my husband.
I can finally let him love me and I am so thankful for that.
I am so very different from the girl he fell in love with, but I like us now so much better.
I wish I had shared my struggles with him sooner because he always wanted to support me.
And it turns out that he really did love me through it all...
I'm still doing Zumba and loving it!
I go to a class at church twice a week and then I use my Wii throughout the week.
I have seen my legs finally toning up!!!
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