Friday, April 18, 2014

Mind Games

I have chubby girl insecurities.

There. 

I've said it. 

I read that sometimes it can take years for our minds to catch up with what we see in the mirror. I guess that kinda goes both ways. I was in serious denial when I was bigger. I kept thinking, "It's not that bad. I'm just a little overweight." 

Now I find myself stuck sometimes. There are days I still see myself as 232-ish pounds. I know deep down that it isn't real, but I still find myself questioning things. 

It happens in a dressing room most often. Or maybe trying on a swimsuit for the first time each summer season. That creeping feeling that comes with not feeling like we measure up. Let's face it: There's always going to be someone prettier, skinnier, more athletic, or whatever. That's just life. 

I'm my worst critic. I always have been and there's no amount of weight loss that can really change that. This journey has really been a mental game for me. That's most of the battle. It isn't eating clean, counting calories, or moving my butt. 

It's finding the determination each and every day to chose to live healthy, to accept that I can control this, to challenge myself to do better each and every day. It's learning to accept me for me. It's not worrying about where I once was, what others think of my lifestyle now, or if I mess up and have that pizza I've really been craving. It's learning to not compare yourself to anyone else. You never know their journey... 

It's all in my head. 

I'm learning that I can love where I am right here and now. I'm learning that it's okay to have a cheat meal as long as I jump back on track. I'm learning that everyone has flaws, some are so much better at covering it! 

Perfection does not exist. It never will. Even models are photoshopped. 

I'm just ready for my brain to catch up with what I see now. 

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