People close to me sometimes ask why I "put myself through all of this". I think for some of them it's hard to understand why I eat clean, why I throw everything I have into my workouts, or why I choose to teach something physically hard. There are days they see me frustrated when my body isn't cooperating. They've seen me pass up that amazing piece of cheesecake. They don't quite understand why I feel this huge drive to reach 100 pounds lost. I guess on the outside it does look kinda tough.
I think some of them are forgetting that I spent so many years not having any discipline or care for my personal health. I think they seem to forget how sick I allowed myself to become. I killed my gallbladder, I vomited stomach acid regularly, and I was mentally depressed. What kind of life is that for anyone?
Granted it's been almost three years since I took control of my life, but those things stick with me. I haven't forgotten how that feels. I haven't forgotten how it feels to be labeled severely obese. The disgusted looks from people. Or how my doctor suggested it was time for gastric bypass and that I would in fact be a good candidate. I can't forget sitting in the living room floor praying to just feel better because I thought my life was that awful. I can't forget how old and weak I felt. I can't forget all of those pictures of me.
Why do I keep going?
Maybe it's because I feel so empowered, so strong, so capable when I push myself through two hours of Zumba® classes. Every time I am in awe of what my body can actually do because I've never experienced it like this before. Maybe it's because I have such joy in seeing the number on the scale drop. Maybe it's trying on a smaller size and realizing you never dreamed you'd ever be able wear something like that. Maybe it's knowing that I have helped so many women continue on their own weight loss journey. Maybe it's having my son wrap his little arms around my waist while telling me I'm so pretty. Maybe it's because I'm actually healthy for the first time in my adult life.
My body feels so much better when I take care of it. It's not miserable for me at all to choose veggies and fruits over something fried and greasy. I'd much rather be dancing than sitting around. I can maybe go two days without a workout before I start feeling irritable and antsy.
I do it for me.
When there's no one left to remember, I do. You choose your tough.