Friday, October 17, 2014

Before

I've spent some time this week on social media sharing my before and now pictures. There are times now that I do more thinking about where I was three years ago. I feel like I have shared my deepest, darkest moments along the way. I know that when I celebrate, so many of you celebrate right along with me! The feeling is just unreal.... Knowing so many people are pulling for me to succeed. It makes a huge difference (kinda like a 90 pound difference....)! 

Last year, I showed you the pictures from Caleb's first beach trip. I still vividly remember how miserable that was. I am pretty sure that will forever be etched in my mind. I was still wearing my maternity swimsuit....and my child was almost two. 




On the road trip, my feet and legs swelled so much. We stopped to get some sleep on the way and I couldn't sleep because of the excruciating heartburn. Heartburn was a daily thing for me when I was overweight. I lived with it and didn't manage it well at all. I think I was mostly in denial.

In the early morning hours when all of the kids and my husband were asleep, the heartburn became too much. I laid there miserable hoping to just fall asleep. I didn't want to ask my exhausted husband to run out and get me some antacid medicine. Suddenly, I felt really sick.

I ran to the bathroom and vomited stomach acid and blood. I knew without a doubt I was killing myself. Slowly but surely things were way out of hand. I can remember sitting on the cold bathroom floor terrified. I kept thinking, "What have I done?!?" I cried alone on that bathroom floor, afraid to wake anyone.   

I cry every time I write about that night. It was part of my wake up call. That beach trip kicked off with me worrying every single moment about if I was dying. 

The next day I stood on that beach with my precious child and I felt shame. I silently compared myself to every single fit, beautiful woman on that beach. I constantly worried that my husband would prefer someone over me. But then again, I wouldn't have blamed him. My thought processes were so messed up. I worried about my fat jiggling, about my stretch marks, about turning a certain way to possibly look a little smaller in each picture. Y'all, that is no kind of life to live. 

I know without a doubt that some of you struggle with some, if not all, of the things that haunted me. It doesn't have to be that way. If I can lose a large amount of weight, anyone can. It just takes making better, healthier choices every day. Do I do it perfectly? Heck no! I love to eat! But the majority of the time, I choose salads over tacos.

I want you to succeed! I never want anyone to feel the way I did. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. You've got this! 

If you want to follow along for happier moments tomorrow, head on over to Instagram! I promise it'll be better! 


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