Thursday, November 15, 2012

Defining Moments

I have shared my biggest struggle with you. I have slowly allowed you to see the things I've suffered because of the way I abused my body. That's honestly the only way to explain the overeating and binging on unhealthy foods. There are some feelings about that time in my life I never could verbalize because it's just too difficult. When I've tried to share pieces with my husband over the past couple of weeks, I immediately get tears in my eyes. What I've been through, he will never fully be able to understand.

A year ago, I had a life altering experience. 

My sweet little boy turned two and I was beyond excited to take him on his very first train ride. Our families got together for this special day and I took tons of pictures so we could always remember it. When I got home and uploaded those pictures, I was completely devastated.
As I flipped through the pictures, I grew more and more disgusted with the way I looked. I just knew I ruined those pictures of our happy memories....

I tried to crop parts of me out of the pictures so I could at least show them to my friends on Facebook and share them on the blog. I silently cried as I truly realized how out of control I had let my weight get. We're not talking 10 or 15 pounds of extra weight....We're talking almost four whole years of denial, poor eating, and just plain lack of concern piling onto my body. The realization came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. How did I let things get so out of hand???

I was ashamed to share those pictures that were supposed to document my child's happy day. My husband was so handsome and my son was gorgeous. That day I just knew I didn't fit in with my own family. There were times that I secretly wondered if strangers looked at the three of us and thought, "How in the world did she ever attract that man???" There were honestly times I wondered how I hung onto such a great husband when I let myself go. My husband deserved better....I had turned into a moody, unhappy person.

At the time I had a hand full of clothes that actually fit because I refused to see the truth and buy clothes that actually fit. Friends and family gave me clothes because I was so far in denial about how big I was. I just could not bring myself to buy a pair of pants that said 18 once my 16's got too tight. That day was my absolute rock bottom....

I honestly believe you cannot make a drastic change without reaching some degree of despair.

I have fought, struggled, and slipped up multiple times over the past year but I have stuck with it. I have never fought so hard for anything in my entire life.

I swear getting a college degree with honors was easier than the battle I have waged against my weight.

I've not reached my overall goal yet, but that's okay because I have made noticeable progress. I've earned every second of it. I'm not afraid to take a picture with my child and share it with the world.

So, the things that have changed in a year's time?

Last year I wore XL clothing that was fairly tight...Right now I can wear some Mediums.... Yay!
This year I participated in not only my first 5K, but it was also a mud run with obstacles. 
I don't feel nearly as sluggish anymore. When I eat a greasy meal, I feel so run down now. 
I can actually lay in a bathtub and my hips fit! I can also swing on a swing set now that my hips fit!
I can ride amusement park rides much more comfortably now. 
The biggest thing is I realized that at any weight, my husband and son have always loved me. They never stopped. It was me who just couldn't seem to love myself. I've gained some of my self esteem back. 

Every day brings new things that I notice and that is the motivation to keep going. It is absolutely worth every single effort I put forth. I know so many people give up after a week or a month, but if you just hang in there you will see results.

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